An Ode to Pregnancy

This weekend has been so busy with packing, planning and (dog) picture taking, I really haven't had time for blogging. However, I did want to share with everyone a hysterical email that a friend of mind sent me a few weeks ago. She is currently expecting her first baby and had sent out an update on the pregnancy to a bunch of her friends. It is too funny not to share, although for reasons which will be obvious after you read this, I'm not sharing her name. Enjoy. :)

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Ah, pregnancy. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

1) My ankles -- if you can still call them that -- look like tree trunks. It's not even summer yet, and I have four and a half months to go.

2) Pooping has become an event. A bi-weekly event. Now, I've never been really certain whether "bi-weekly" refers to "twice per week" or "once every two weeks." In this case, it doesn't really matter because at any given point along the way, either could apply. It is such a special occasion that I have even developed a celebratory dance to commemorate it.

3) I swear my breasts weigh at least ten pounds. Apiece.

4) My varicose veins have bloomed to the point of resembling Rorschach ink blots. So far we've found Jesus and Gumby.

5) Sleep? What sleep? If I'm not making another trip to the bathroom, I'm trying to figure out how to position my body in a way that allows relaxation. And, it's exponentially harder to relax when I'm having fantasies of murdering my husband for making it clear how much this pregnancy is affecting him by snoring louder than ever.

6) My upper arms look like the turkey drumsticks available at a Renaissance Festival. Even my elbows have gained weight.

7) I spend many moments trying to decide whether to cry or puke.

8) All grooming of the nether regions has come to a halt. I can neither see nor reach the intended destination. It's a jungle down there.

9) My face is as round as a moon pie. I don't know what a moon pie is, but it sounds big and round, and that's my face.

10) If I had known how many times I was going to pee a day, I would have bought stock in Northern and Softsoap. Seriously... can there not be a balance between this and number 2 above? (Get it? "number 2"? Ha!)

11) One would think that having long since lost the firm tummy of my youth, I would not be nearly so traumatized by my ever-expanding belly. One would think. One would be wrong.

12) It's quite likely I will have this baby in jail if I hear one more woman say, "I loved being pregnant!" Ranks right up there with "I love to exercise" and "I forgot to eat lunch."

13) Who knew stretch marks were like bunnies?

14) My back hurts to the point that I spend a considerable amount of time in the evenings on all fours, trying to relieve some pressure. I have no doubt this is an attractive position, and I wish my husband could get some benefit from it. Please see numbers 1 through 13 for an explanation of why he doesn't and why he won't.

15) Did I mention I have four and a half months to go?

BUT...

In the early hours of the morning, when I can feel our baby girl slowly stirring from sleep ... in the moments when my husband's scratchy old beard is tickling my tummy as he explains to his daughter how she needs to be a "good kid" like him and not a "bad kid" like me ... in the daily presence of such an amazing miracle, one I'm not sure I ever thought would really happen to me ... well, I guess pregnancy isn't so bad after all. :)

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My personal favorite is #12. The thought of her having the baby in jail horrifies me and makes me laugh out loud at the same time.

I'm sure my friend won't mind that I'm sharing this with entire world, since some of her other friends forwarded it on to their friends without even stripping her name out of it. She ended up getting emails from people she didn't even know who had read the personal details about her "nether regions!" ACK!